These past couple of months have been a battle in my head…fighting everyday to remain positive and not let the darkness win.
After trying year after year to pass the Licensed Clinical Social Work test and failing and feeling like my dreams were crushed, I finally passed this test a couple of weeks ago. I took the test 5 other times…5! If you really want something and it doesn’t happen when you think it should happen, just hold on because my life truly is a story of bleakness and doubt that has turned to excitement and hope.
I’m back working at a jail as a therapist and I’m beyond thrilled. I had my first week last week and on my 1st day that I was on my own, I had one patient who told me “You might be the one who gets me through this.” I could have responded by saying “You are the one who is going to get yourself through this…I’m just here to help;” but I didn’t think of that at the time. When I asked him to rank his depression on a scale of 1-10 (worse) he said his depression was at a 9.5 the day before but after talking to me it was at a 4. I did say after hearing that: “See, look what can happen in 24 hours…anything can happen.”
Those who commit suicide obviously just don’t have any hope and it just breaks my heart. I think many of them think that since they have everything they need and are still depressed and they are tired of trying, why try and fight anymore. But I have a hunch, they did not explore every possibility. Did they try every medication out there with a combination of certain ones if needed? I don’t think they did…Did they try many different therapists and just struck out therapist after therapist, not finding a good one? I obviously don’t know but I wish they had my phone number so I could tell them my story of fighting.